I was in class, listening to my instructor when I got a message that my friend, Emma, had a stroke. Now, it's forbidden to send a text in class but this is an emergency so I asked how could this happen this early? She is just in her late 20's? But my rational thinking as a nurse says: "Sure this can really happen. She has a temper and does not like to take maintenance for hypertension---what do you expect, Shae?" But you see, there are times that I wish had not known anything about health, and this is one of those times.
June 24, 2015 12 pm
It was gloomy and I was dragging my feet to go to the hospital alone, without any of our common friends with me. I know what to expect : She is in comma for 3 days and she is being ambubagged. I knew we had no time so despite of my busy schedule ahead, I really have to make time. I was nervous and shy-- heck, I don't know his husband and family, I don't really know what to say, how to say that I am her friend and I am here to visit. I wanted to wait for my friends but there's no time.
So I climbed up to the 3rd floor and searched for the Stroke Unit. To my surprise, the stroke unit is under disinfecting and the patients, who are highly relying to mechanical ventillation, lay down the hall. I saw a lady patient being ambubagged by an older man with 2 boys sitting at the foot of her bed. I can't recognize my friend so I had to ask. "Is this Emma?". I was half hoping they will say NO, because this can't be my friend, heck-- SHE IS DYING! When he said Yes, my world crashed down that I had to fight my urge to scream and howl. I had to stay strong and remain therapeutic. Now, I really wish I was not a nurse.
I walked up to her and held her hand, hoping that she would squeeze mine like she did yesterday to our common friends. I can tell the men were shy to talk to me, and I was shy too so I just said, "I am Kaye, Emma's friend from her son's school." No response, just the sound of the ambubag deflating, so I spoke to Emma. You have to hold on, you have to be okay for your son, your husband and son needs you--- these are the clichés I told her. I can't really pour my heart out in front of listening, unknown family members. I really wished we were alone. I know what happens after this type of hemorrhagic stroke if ever she made it---Emma will be very weak and paralyzed to care for her child, her child and husband will end up taking care of her. The most logical thing to say is to not hold on. I really, really wish I had not known.
By the time an older woman came to her bed, my tears were daring to drop. I can't look like this in front of them. I have to be strong. So I said my introductions and goodbyes and ran. I broke down at the nearby toilet because I can't get a hold of myself anymore. She is DYING and the next call I will get is that she passed away. And I got it, 2 days later.
Now she is gone, I really wished I spent more time with her. I am asking God, "Why do you do this to me? This is my lowest of the low and you let this happen to MY FRIEND?!" I was really angry but He gave me an answer. He gave me her and lost her for many reasons, but it was clear that He intended three lessons I had to learn from Emma.
1. You have to APPRECIATE the Littlest Things that you HAVE.
I was not born rich, but my parents always say that I am privileged. I really don't get what they say sometimes. Don't get me wrong-- I am not whiny, I don't demand things.. I just wished I had more... But here is humble Emma, with a cute, tiny house, with practically nothing compared to what I have, and she welcomed me everytime I need a near place to hang out. She made me my favorite Milo drink whenever we come back to her house after our Zumba in the park. She gave more than she have willingly. She is sweet. She kept pictures of us at home when I could've just published it on Facebook and look at it just when I feel like.
From the first time I walked out of her humble abode, I felt more grateful that my parents gave me everything I have and be happy for it... Because some have nothing but are happy and contented.
2. Time is SHORT
Really, it is really short. I hadn't lost someone this close to me for a long time and I regret that I didn't have more time to spend with her. I should have cherished every moment we had together. There were many things I should've, could've and would've done but TIME gone could never be retrieved. All I need to do now is MAKE TIME for doing things worth spending time with.
3. Death is not something I want to happen soon
You see, I am in the lowest of the low and sometimes, I can't shake the thought that dying will be much better. I feel so depressed because I had everything planned out when I was a child: 1. Graduate with flying colors, 2. Get a job with good pay. 3.Have a relationship I can keep for a long time and marry at 28. #1 and #3 ✔️, #2 left hanging. I am 25 and still waiting for the job I have been investing my time with for more than a year now, and I feel my time is running out. You may think I am way overreacting, but I really can't deal with failures that well-- I quit the minute I realize I can not excel in a certain area. Maybe, this waiting period is teaching me how to deal with failures and that of course, quitters never win.
When I held Emma's hand and look at her, it seems like my whole life flashed in front of me. My subconcious is telling me--- I told you, Death is not an alternative. I have to make the most of the time God gave me and LIVE it. Which brings us back to lesson 2, TIME is indeed really short so make sure you spend it wisely.
I decided to create this blog because I woke up from a beautiful, tear jerking dream with Emma in it. God granted my Time with Her through this dream which started this way.
I and my friends (who are friends with Emma too) decided to get together in the park after the day after Emma's death. But Emma was there too, and I was the only one who can see her. She told me not to tell anyone that I can see her, and she wants to spend time with me before she have to go. So I joined her. We ran, we chatted, we laughed. And I found this beautiful pink flower which is preserved (yeah, weird term, it is like covered with wax) so I gave it to her, hoping she could take it with her to heaven. She said she was instructed to strip off everything and go to Heaven all by herself. It sadden me, but I said, "In that case, you should eat the famous Ilocos Empanada-- it's something you can't strip off since it will be in your stomach already 😝. So I went and buy. The queue is unbelievably long--- I am wasting too much precious time. The time I got back, holding a hot and yummy empanada, she held my hand accross the table and she said that her time is up. I said, that fast? She said yes, she has to go the same time she passed away---4am. She has to ride a train to heaven and she has to be on time or else she is going to be stuck here forever. Then I said, will you remember me? She said no. The minute she get in the train, her memories will be wiped out too.. That hurts. I was crying like a baby. Then I woke up in tears.
For Emma, my great friend. I love you. Thank you for showing up in my dreams. It was a great honor and privilege to be your friend.
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