Quarter Life Crisis

Monday Night. It's late and I was still suffering from the upper effects of drinking coffee and red bull last Sunday afternoon.

Note: Don't ever try to  drink coffee and red bull together when you are not ---a) a coffee lover and b) you are not used to drinking energy giving beverages---  if you intend to sleep for more than an hour at night, not have palpitations, and not want to be overly alert that you are able to finnish all short stories in your reading list in Wattpad. 

Being widely awake but you really intend to sleep is a great problem. Here are some based on experience:

> It will make you so bored that you were able to upload throwback pictures from high school and post it in your batch's group in FB. It will create chaos. Some are happy to laugh at it, some are nostalgic, some will miss the thinner version of themselves, some will be proud of the positive, miraculous effects of their post puberty stage they are benefitting right now, and some are just pissed off because you accidentally tagged them in a picture (or the whole album) when in fact, he or she wasn't there at all. Oh, and guess what? They will comment endlessly--- your curiosity and eagerness to reply to every single one of them will keep you even more awake. Hickory dickory dock. The mouse run up the clock. The clock strikes 3 and you're screwed. Hickory dickory dock.

> It will make you Overly CRANKY that you feel like you have to have a comment to every dialogue that the people on TV are throwing at each other. Every single thing will make you snap. So once you finally caught the mosquito that had been feeding on your blood for hours, You will OVERKILL it. (I leave that now to your imagination ;) ). 

Moving on.. CRANKY. I was not paying attention to the TV but when I heard the word "CRUSH" coming from a 12 yr old in PBB, it made me want to roll your eyes till it reach the back of my head. So irritated that I double checked if the bedroom's door is closed so that my 8 year old baby sister won't hear it. So agitated that I actually posted a photo of me rolling my eyes with the caption: 

When watching a teen childish romance and hearing the statement: "Crush kita, Crush mo rin ba ako?" make your eyes roll, It's a definite sign of aging!hahaha! #25 #PBB737 

# q u a r t e r l i f e c r i s i s (I intentionally wrote qlc this way so you guys can figure out that I thought I just coined an original term. You can imagine my surprise when I tapped the #quarterlifecrisis and it turned out that some people also used this hashtag! Huh!)

Then I googled it and saw an article at Buzzfeed, 10 Signs You're in Quarter Life Crisis and deep inside I said (WTF this is real?!!! I thought I just made this all thing up a while back?)

So, how do you know you are in quarter life crisis? (Thanks Buzzfeed for the ideas, I just squished in some more)

1. You are in your mid 20's or early 30's and you still feel you are not in the place you ought to be. 

Graduating is the best moment, what comes after is the most dreadful-- You HAVE to work. If you're in luck and your course is in demand, good for you! You may actually land your dream job! If you are not, like being a nurse same as me, getting a job in the country is a rat race. So you get the job that's the first to knock on your door and throw your chances to actualize what you studied for 4 years or more, or you might process your application abroad where the time it takes to process is almost equal to conceiving a baby. By now, you may be envious of your friends who are really doing great in their careers and have been to many places while you are stuck at your desk or unemployed couch potato. 

Here's the thing. You are not alone. There's someone out there feeling just the same. So get up, plan your next endeavour, and take a risk. Decisions you made now will show how likely you will be 5 years from now.

2. You are extremely nostalgic.

Remember in college when you are stressing over your thesis? In high school when you don't have a clue on how to make a term paper nor do your defense? Or when you first got your braces wherein smiling nicely and eating is your biggest day to day struggle? Those were the better days. 

Deadlines, bills, budgetting, overtime, holiday work, work shift duties, night shifts, presentations, household chores, groceries, earning extra income, jobhunting... And you wished Santa every Christmas to make you an Adult already. 

3. You tend to be irritated about super young teenage/ tween romance (Even though you, yourself, are not entirely a clean slate)

Q: When did you learn the word crush?

A: Nursery

Q: When did someone teased you when they learned about your crush?

A: Same

Q: When did you learn that someone has a crush on you?

A: Same

AND YOU LOOK AT 12 year olds LIKE BABIES THAT ARE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A CRUSH! You hypocrite 😜

Really, you sounded like your mom when you say:"You are too young to have a crush" even though you may have had a puppylove/ crushmate at age 9 (this is not exactly me, swear). You know the differences between Like, Crush, Infatuation, Star crossed Love, True Love and you preach this to the younger generations. Need I say more? Coz I think I made my point. 

So yeah, this is the real indicator that you are old. (cough.me last night.cough)

4. You look at dating life differently.

In your early 20's (or as early as when you started dating) you changed you partners as quick as you change your clothes. Now, you are looking for more than a hook up. You are looking for your potential husband or wife. You end the relationship as soon as you realized that this is not going to work out and go find another one. If you're in a relationship (long enough that if this is college--you have gotten your master degree already) that you feel sure and secure that this is it, good for you! Some may have doubts if this is really what he/she wants and run off. This is typical since this is the perfect time you should already plan your family life. Time is running out (I'm talking about us, ladies)

5. You are jealous of your batchmate's/ friend's achievements.

And start to wonder, "How can this happen? I'm wwwaaayyyy cooler than him/her in high school? 

The world is indeed round. Sometimes you are high, they are low.. and vice versa. So this is your low time and what's next is of course going UP. Focus on your goals. Stop stalking your friends at FB. (He/She might be posting a photo his/her expensive meal/ luxurious vacation/ the sunset at Nice/ the lights in Paris) It will make you feel more jealous and depressed about your current, boring situation. Plan a trip- the one you can afford, try promos online (your tab has more uses other than FBing). Stop sulking and make their success your motivation to strive harder.

Jealous that he/she is married and have a beautiful baby?Is being married really one of your priorities? Stop fooling around then.That simple.

Remember the time when you are excited about your birthday? Well now, its just a day that will make you older. Face it. Embrace it. Only Benjamin Button grew backwards. 😜

If you want to check out the Buzzfeed article where I based my short list with, click/ tap http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/10-signs-youre-having-your-quarter-life-crisis

If you want to see the photo of my eye rolling while watching PBB, scroll down 😁😁😁

3 Things My Friend Taught Me.

June 23, 2015 11:07am
I was in class, listening to my instructor when I got a message that my friend, Emma, had a stroke. Now, it's forbidden to send a text in class but this is an emergency so I asked how could this happen this early? She is just in her late 20's? But my rational thinking as a nurse says: "Sure this can really happen. She has a temper and does not like to take maintenance for hypertension---what do you expect, Shae?" But you see, there are times that I wish had not known anything about health, and this is one of those times.

June 24, 2015 12 pm
It was gloomy and I was dragging my feet to go to the hospital alone, without any of our common friends with me. I know what to expect : She is in comma for 3 days and she is being ambubagged. I knew we had no time so despite of my busy schedule ahead, I really have to make time. I was nervous and shy-- heck, I don't know his husband and family, I don't really know what to say, how to say that I am her friend and I am here to visit. I wanted to wait for my friends but there's no time.

So I climbed up to the 3rd floor and searched for the Stroke Unit. To my surprise, the stroke unit is under disinfecting and the patients, who are highly relying to mechanical ventillation, lay down the hall. I saw a lady patient being ambubagged by an older man with 2 boys sitting at the foot of her bed. I can't recognize my friend so I had to ask. "Is this Emma?". I was half hoping they will say NO, because this can't be my friend, heck-- SHE IS DYING! When he said Yes,  my world crashed down that I had to fight my urge to scream and howl. I had to stay strong and remain therapeutic. Now, I really wish I was not a nurse.

I walked up to her and held her hand, hoping that she would squeeze mine like she did yesterday to our common friends. I can tell the men were shy to talk to me, and I was shy too so I just said, "I am Kaye, Emma's friend from her son's school." No response, just the sound of the ambubag deflating, so I spoke to Emma. You have to hold on, you have to be okay for your son, your husband and son needs you--- these are the clichés I told her. I can't really pour my heart out in front of listening, unknown family members. I really wished we were alone. I know what happens after this type of hemorrhagic stroke if ever she made it---Emma will be very weak and paralyzed to care for her child, her child and husband will end up taking care of her. The most logical thing to say is to not hold on. I really, really wish I had not known.

By the time an older woman came to her bed, my tears were daring to drop. I can't look like this in front of them. I have to be strong. So I said my introductions and goodbyes and ran. I broke down at the nearby toilet because I can't get a hold of myself anymore. She is DYING and the next call I will get is that she passed away. And I got it, 2 days later.

Now she is gone, I really wished I spent more time with her. I am asking God, "Why do you do this to me? This is my lowest of the low and you let this happen to MY FRIEND?!" I was really angry but He gave me an answer. He gave me her and lost her for many reasons, but it was clear that He intended three lessons I had to learn from Emma.

1. You have to APPRECIATE the Littlest Things that you HAVE.
I was not born rich, but my parents always say that I am privileged. I really don't get what they say sometimes. Don't get me wrong-- I am not whiny, I don't demand things.. I just wished I had more... But here is humble Emma, with a cute, tiny house, with practically nothing compared to what I have, and she welcomed me everytime I need a near place to hang out. She made me my favorite Milo drink whenever we come back to her house after our Zumba in the park. She gave more than she have willingly. She is sweet. She kept pictures of us at home when I could've just published it on Facebook and look at it just when I feel like.
From the first time I walked out of her humble abode, I felt more grateful that my parents gave me everything I have and be happy for it... Because some have nothing but are happy and contented.

2. Time is SHORT
Really, it is really short. I hadn't lost someone this close to me for a long time and I regret that I didn't have more time to spend with her. I should have cherished every moment we had together. There were many things I should've, could've and would've done but TIME gone could never be retrieved. All I need to do now is MAKE TIME for doing things worth spending time with.

3. Death is not something I want to happen soon
You see, I am in the lowest of the low and sometimes, I can't shake the thought that dying will be much better. I feel so depressed because I had everything planned out when I was a child: 1. Graduate with flying colors, 2. Get a job with good pay. 3.Have a relationship I can keep for a long time and marry at 28. #1 and #3 ✔️, #2 left hanging. I am 25 and still waiting for the job I have been investing my time with for more than a year now, and I feel my time is running out. You may think I am way overreacting, but I really can't deal with failures that well-- I quit the minute I realize I can not excel in a certain area. Maybe, this waiting period is teaching me how to deal with failures and that of course, quitters never win.
When I held Emma's hand and look at her, it seems like my whole life flashed in front of me. My subconcious is telling me--- I told you, Death is not an alternative. I have to make the most of the time God gave me and LIVE it. Which brings us back to lesson 2, TIME is indeed really short so make sure you spend it wisely.

I decided to create this blog because I woke up from a beautiful, tear jerking dream with Emma in it. God granted my Time with Her through this dream which started this way.
I and my friends (who are friends with Emma too) decided to get together in the park after the day after Emma's death. But Emma was there too, and I was the only one who can see her. She told me not to tell anyone that I can see her, and she wants to spend time with me before she have to go. So I joined her. We ran, we chatted, we laughed. And I found this beautiful pink flower which is preserved (yeah, weird term, it is like covered with wax) so I gave it to her, hoping she could take it with her to heaven. She said she was instructed to strip off everything and go to Heaven all by herself. It sadden me, but I said, "In that case, you should eat the famous Ilocos Empanada-- it's something you can't strip off since it will be in your stomach already 😝. So I went and buy. The queue is unbelievably long--- I am wasting too much precious time. The time I got back, holding a hot and yummy empanada, she held my hand accross the table and she said that her time is up. I said, that fast? She said yes, she has to go the same time she passed away---4am. She has to ride a train to heaven and she has to be on time or else she is going to be stuck here forever. Then I said, will you remember me? She said no. The minute she get in the train, her memories will be wiped out too.. That hurts. I was crying like a baby. Then I woke up in tears.

For Emma, my great friend. I love you. Thank you for showing up in my dreams. It was a great honor and privilege to be your friend.